Rock of Ages left me nearly unable to form complete sentences, so I’ll briefly summarize my thoughts about the movie here:
1. There is no other single actor in Hollywood more in love with themselves than Tom Cruise. And that includes Gwyneth Paltrow.
2. Adam Shankman is the poor—and cheesy—man’s Rob Marshall.
3. I will always hate “We Built This City” by Starship, no matter how you remix it or mash it up. Just wanted to get that on record.
4. Russell Brand, I understand you’re not an actor, you’re just a comic who has a schtick, and you keep doing the same thing over and over because somebody told you it’s funny and they keep giving you movies, no matter how mind-numbingly irritating you’ve become. Alec Baldwin, you don’t have an excuse.
5. Malin Akerman, go away. Seriously.
6. Julianne Hough, you are a movie star. Get used to it.
7. Mary J. Blige….what are you doing here?
8. All the wooden and painfully trite acting and dialogue between the songs make it feel like a musical porn: nobody is here for the story, trust me.
9. The production numbers are fun, energetic and slickly done. Cheesy is also a word to use, but I’ll be kind.
10. I will probably be a little easier on this movie than most, considering it’s aimed directly at me and my ‘80s generation, but there are many movies that are worse and far less entertaining than this light, campy and often laughable trifle of a movie that never takes itself too seriously. Of course, I also loved Grease 2, so there’s that.
11. And no, Tom Cruise does not save this movie. He’s the worst thing in it.