-My Letter to the Academy

Dear Oscars,

You know I love you. I love everything about you—your build-up, your hype, your glamour, your shameless self-promotion and, of course, your over-the-top blowout of a production, which always makes me wince and weep and beg for more. You are classy and elegant, ambitious and corny and always entertaining. You know we’re friends for life.

But, I have to tell you something, as someone who loves you: honey, you just got played.

Yeah, I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but you know those two guys you crawled in bed with earlier this year? Yeah—they were just using you. I know it’s hard to hear, you thought they were “the ones.” You were hoping they would take you to places (ratings) you’d never been before. You were hoping they would bring back your youth, the days when you were young and hip and cool. And funny.

But, sadly, they only ended up doing what every James Franco and David Letterman has done to you in the past: they broke your heart. But, this time, you actually let them slap you around first. I’m so embarrassed for you, I really am. How could you not see it coming? You didn’t think that maybe, just maybe, the fact that they both had a new movie coming out in the middle of your affair might have had something to do with all their sweet talk? And you really didn’t think that, as soon as they didn’t need you anymore (a week after their movie opened) that they wouldn’t toss you aside like the washed-up has-been they always thought you were?

Oh, it’s so sad, it really is. How many times have I told you: NEVER get in bed with someone who needs something from you. I mean, yes, ok, you did it that one time with Steve and Alec, but their movie actually was opening AFTER your big night, so you were ok in assuming they would still put out for you. But, these guys? Come on. When was the last time they ever did anything nice for you? That one with the funny laugh, didn’t he walk out on you a couple of years ago when he didn’t win? And that other one, didn’t he talk about you to Howard Stern? When was the last time ANYONE ever talked about YOU to Howard Stern?? Oh, that had to have hurt.

Sigh. Oh well, I guess you live and you learn. I am sorry that you are going through this right now. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.

But, I’ll say it again. We’ve talked about your co-dependencies and how I won’t, as a friend, continue to support any behavior that is unhealthy, so I’ll have to remind you: if you call up your ex Billy again, I’m serious: we’re THROUGH.


Yes, I knew you would go crawling back. Oh well, maybe you’ll get this out of your system one last time and you can start fresh again next year. And don’t get too depressed, just because your baby brother (GG) has upstaged you once again. You’ll get your mojo back…I just wish you would get your SexyBack. (hint hint)

I still love you.